I've got so many questions recently -- especially when I have my new boyfriend -- about how can I be so sure with him despite all the differences we had, or do I have even a bit hesitate toward him or how can I fully trust him or is it so hard to have a relationship with sooo big differences and at the end they told me to be careful like i am about entering the war zone.
So you can tell that physically me and him are totally different for the God's sake that how it should be and how God wants us as human to be. Man and Woman.
Anyway they talked about are our differences background and where each of us come from is crossing the globe.
When you are in the same situation with me, where we still have that infatuation, all we can think about is that they are crazy and you can go with so much gabble-talk how special he/she is for you; how they treat you and anything, but somehow people so skeptical that they will give you are-you-serious kinda look.
Well, i cant give them that gabble-talk only and it leads me into some a little research
I read so many articles, watch so much videos about relationships and mostly, they talk about "how do you know that he or she is the right one"
so here is my finding...
There are a lot of views about this from the experts, for all the sums up about my research was saying that only time could answer.
Research shows that the critical moment of the relationship is between 7 months till 4 years.
Another research said that if you are not in break up-make up relationship within 7 months with your partner, it tends to be so long lasting relationship
And what makes people lasts in relationship and the others dont?
Thomas Bradbury, UCLA psychologist said
"The heart of any relationship, and what makes people the right mates for each other is the willingness of both partners to be open and vulnerable; to listen and care about each other"
And so yeah openness is so important for each person in relationship, you just cannot expect him/her to do something you expect them to do if you dont say to them what you want. I mean that is a basic rule of good communication. and good communication is core of healthy relationship
Couple that have a good communication; talk openly and listen their partner carefully are likely to have last relationship because they know how to treat each other so well and care about each other could maintain the affection between both.
The good relationship is the relationship that just look for now and the future, not looking back so often. if she/he do mistake, talk, find a solution and go forward. Here and Now
But sometimes people or mostly woman doing the game of what and how relationship should be and comparing to the relationship they have now.
Such a big mistake as what Michelle Givertz, assistant professor of Communication Studies at California State University Ohio define; relationship identities are negotiates between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always work in progress. People that have an ideal partner an ideal relationship in their heads, they are setting themselves up for disaster.
What is the great about ideal if you actually have your partner there, loving you so perfectly. Because if you talk about the imperfection within them, you have it too, but they still love you perfectly anyway.
I am not saying that it is soo bad to have an ideal relationship, we always wanna be better everyday, sure. but the wrong one that likely people do is they tend to point out the mistake of unfulfilled that ideal to their partner and have so less good talk about it yet you just criticize them so much.
And when your partner have no idea what you want, you lose your grip in this relationship and all you see is the negativity and at the end you become so unhappy with it.
But here is the thing
Research found that as the time going in the relationship, the infatuation fade away, but that doesnt mean that you dont love your partner anymore, it just shows that you have so much security with him.
But the less drama make people think about what is wrong when actually there is no wrong at all and it leads to look up the differences between you both that you dont really see it at the beginning of the relationship.
Like for example at the beginning relationship you know that you have so much common in non-fiction books and jazz music but as the time goes you know your partner fond of traveling and automotive things that you dont even understand.
And you start to make this differences become something so wrong in your relationship. and you overthink, and you expect more but you wont talk, and you get so much worries and unhappy with your relationship now.
But well....
When you start focusing on what isnt so great, its time to shift focus. rather than look at the other person, you need to look at yourself and ask ‘Why am I suddenly so unhappy and what do I need to do?'
Meinecke, author of Everybody Marries the Wrong Person make this Marital paradigm “the self-responsible spouse”
saying in mature love “we do not look out our partner to provide our happiness, and we don’t blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectation that we carry, for our negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods"
Healthy and mature relationship is a best relationship where you much 'give and give' and less 'take and give'. Open, care about each other, talk and listen, think rationally and positively, not giving too much space and strict in your head about the static ideal, take the responsibility about self-happiness and not blaming your partner, and have common in some things that could light up your relationship.
While me, i have those with my boyfriend, and he teaches me how to be in relationship so right that I can convince he's guiding me to this healthy and mature relationship.
So yeah people, that what makes me sure that he is the right one for me. oh and plus he is so charming and funny, i can always laugh :)
Reference:
psychologytoday.com
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